James E. O'Brien

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk….

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s $2,000. Can I buy it?”

MAN: “OK, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2011 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: How much?”

WOMAN: $95,000.

MAN: “For that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! One more thing. … The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re only asking $1,450,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $1,350,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?”

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, ‘Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.’

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

Sir! replied the judge, I can’t believe you have De Gaulle to come into my courtroom with a story like that!

Well, your honor, given the circumstance, what choice did I have Toulouse?

Note: All images on this page are public domain images, except for the top image illustrating a cartoon french thief. This image was created by Brian Romero of www.brianromero.com, and is included on this page because I felt it was a perfect fit. As much as I enjoy sharing this image on my website, giving Brian credit for his work is far more important to me. If you agree, take a moment and check out Brian’s website. He’s a talented illustrator and an interesting person.

Just another worthless, but humorous list of nonsense to ponder:

1. One tequila, Two tequila, Three tequila, Floor
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the “Self-Help” section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his hands get washed out with soap?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
11. What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put Braille on drive-through ATM’s?
19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at the posted Deer Crossing signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One nice thing about egotists; they don;t talk about other people
22. Does the little mermaid wear an Algebra
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. How is it possible to have a cival war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Who’s cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have an ‘s’ in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of assteroids?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Just a few down-to-earth, sensible house-hold tips to help get you through the day.

1. Chopping Vegetables — Avoid cutting yourself when chopping vegetables by having someone else hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Toilet Seats — Avoid arguments with females about putting the toilet seat down by using the sink instead.
3. Stop over-sleeping — A a cocked mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
4. Cure for a bad cough — If you have a persistent bad cough, take a large dose of laxative. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
5. The only tools you need at home — WD-40 and duct tape. if it doesn’t move as it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
6. Identify the issue — If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.

(Special Thanks to Mindy S. of Seattle for submitting this)

Have fun!

There were three southern belles on the front lawn of a plantation.  The first belle says “See my diamond necklace? My beau gave it to me, because he’s rich and he loves me. And, for our anniversary this year, he’s takin’ us to Hawaii.” The second belle gushes over the jewel, and the third says politely “That’s nice.”

The second belle says “See my diamond ring? My beau gave it to me, because he’s rich and he loves me. And, see that fancy car in the drive? He bought that for me when we were dating.” The first belle gushes over the jewel and the third says “That’s nice.”

The first and second belles look at the third and ask “Well? What does your beau buy you? Isn’t he rich and doesn’t he just love you?”

The third belle say “Why yes he’s rich, and of course he loves me. He sent me to etiquette school!”

The first and second belles ask “Etiquette school? Whatever for?”

The third southern belle replies “So that I could learn to say ‘that’s nice’.  Instead of ‘f–k you!”

John went out hunting bear. After a few hours in the woods, he spotted a huge bear, took aim, fired, and missed. The bear became quite angry, and chased John down and knocked him to the ground. the bear destroyed John’s rifle, and then violated John in a sexual way.

Furious, John vowed to get that bear, even if it was the last thing he ever did. John bought a more powerful rifle and went back to the woods to find the bear. When John found the bear, he took aim and fired his rifle, and again, he missed.

The bear came after John with a vengeance and destroyed his rifle and violated him again. John was beside himself with rage and determination to kill that bear. He bought the biggest and most powerful rifle and scope he could find and went back after that bear. When he found the bear, he took careful aim, and fired, BOOM!, and missed the bear again.

Once again, the bear came after John and knocked him to the ground and destroyed his rifle. Just as John was expecting to be violated again, the bear spoke in his ear,  and said, “you know, I don’t think you are really in this for the hunt, are you?”

No time or tolerance for other people’s drama? Well, this sign is for you! This print-ready sign will let friends and co-workers know to take their drama somewhere else, or maybe just to leave it at home. This No Drama sign is printable in standard 8 by 10 portrait format.

Click here for a Printable PDF version (Requires Adobe Reader or equivalent)

On a Serious Note:

The workplace is no place for drama, personal or otherwise. Drama creates a hostile work environment and hampers productivity. If drama is fluent in your work environment, check out these resources below. They may provide you and your workmates with a solution to reduce drama in the workplace.

Leadershipnow.com – “Gossip. Power struggles. Poor team coordination. These are all symptoms of workplace drama. They’re the obstacles that can drain your company of its best talent, get in the way of true productivity and profit, and eat away at the effectiveness of your organization—that is, unless a leader steps up and takes responsibility for changing course.  Communications consultant and national speaker Marlene Chism has created an eight-step methodology that breaks through negative thinking that can contribute to drama in organizations of every kind and size. She has identified the gaps that drama creates—a gap between where your company is and where it aims to be and the psychological gap that occurs when people are faced with change and the fear that goes with it.”

Stop Workplace Drama – This book is available at Amazon. Stop Workplace Drama offers down-to-earth, practical methods to help business owners, entrepreneurs, and private practice professionals maximize success, increase productivity, and improve teamwork and personal performance. Identify “drama” barriers and help your employees break free to experience higher personal effectiveness and increased productivity
Each of the eight points is full of universal and practical principles any business leader, sales director or entrepreneur can put to use immediately. Author Marlene Chism has shared her signature process with organizations such as McDonalds and NASA. When you’re in the thick of business competition, you and your team need to function freely without internal conflicts, confusions, or rivalries. Stop Workplace Drama ensures that your employees will be able to give their best to create a healthy, profitable workplace.

7 Ways to Stop Workplace Drama – “Negativity is the number one productivity problem in the workplace. Signs of negativity include backstabbing, gossiping, power struggles and lack of teamwork. The end result is absenteeism, low morale and turnover.  Here are seven tips for improving workplace relationships and reducing negativity.”

It’s getting around that time of year again. the stores are stocking their Holiday wares, and I expect them to start filling our ears and hearts with Christmas music. I expect Starbucks to start their Holiday specials any time now. I love those pumpkin lattes!

In the Spirit of the Holidays, I like to share a little humor with some of the funniest Holiday Music spoofs.  Now, be careful before playing these Holiday tunes at work or around sensitive ears, as they might find these tunes inappropriate or even offensive. I’ve marked these as Not Safe For Work  (NSFW). These files are in MP3 format, and should play on any media player or device that plays MP3 files.

You can save these tunes to your computer by right-clicking on the title, and selecting “Save As” or “Save Target As”

The Tunes

The Buttcracker Suite

Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire

Dirty Sleigh Bells (NSFW)

Ho Ho Fucking Ho (NSFW)

I Saw Mammy Blow Santa Claus (NSFW)

Police Stop My Car

Ruldolph The Deepthroat Reindeer (NSFW)

Santa Claus Is Fooling Around

Merry Fucking Christmas (South Park, Mr Garrison) (NSFW)

The Restroom door Said Gentlemen

Walking Around In Womens  Underwear

We Wish you Weren’t Living With Us

White Trash Christmas

Who Put The dick On The Snowman

Ever wonder how homemade pumpkin pie is made? Well, it starts with fresh pumpkin…..

Credit: Special thanks to Mindy S. in Redmond, WA. for this great picture!

Seriously though, if you want a really good pumpkin pie, here’s a great recipe!

Pumpkin Pie from Better Homes and Gardens

Ingredients

Directions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Prepare and roll out Pastry for Single-Crust Pie. Line a 9-inch pie plate with the pastry. Trim; crimp edge as desired.

For filling, in a medium bowl combine pumpkin, sugar, cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg. Add eggs. Beat lightly with a fork just until combined. Gradually add half-and-half; stir until combined.

Place the pastry-lined pie plate on the oven rack. Carefully pour filling into pastry shell. To prevent over-browning, cover edge of the pie with foil. Bake for 25 minutes. Remove foil. Bake about 25 minutes more or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack. Cover and refrigerate within 2 hours.

Makes 8 slices!

More Pumpkin Pie Recipes here! Recipe.com

This original rap music video made for JavaOne 2011 celebrates the “Java Life”. Dedicated to the developer homies everywhere who code hard day and night. Think Java programmers meet street Hip Hop.
 

There are times when additional support is necessary to get through a grueling day at work. Here’s one suggestion…

A Master Reference binder has been created for all who may need to reference it. Inside this binder you will find ‘solutions’ to everyday problems.

If you are having problems with the photocopier, having difficulty dealing with co-workers, having computer problems…please come and get the red binder and it will help you through your issue. You may refer to the red binder as often as you wish.

Use the red binder for all issues…it is guaranteed to make you stress-free and relaxed.

A lady pregnant with twins gets into a bad car accident. She wakes up to discover that she is in a  hospital. Panicking, she buzzes for the nurse, who comes running to assist her. The nurse tell her that she is going to be OK, and that she had been in a car accident.

The lady, still panicking, demands to know if her babies are OK. the nurse tells her that they are fine, and that she had a boy and a girl. Relieved, the new mother realizes that she hasn’t named her babies yet. The nurse tells her not to worry, her brother came in and named the babies for her. The new mother cried out “My brother? Oh no! He’s an idiot! What did he name my babies?”

The nurse said, “Well, he named the girl Denise”. the new mother thought that was a pretty name. And then she asked what her brother had named the boy. The nurse replied “he named the boy Danephew”

Special Thanks to Paul B, Redmond, WA. for this joke

A man is in a position to buy a Harley Davidson, and after much consideration opts for a very nice model. The salesman is very pleased and offers the man a few words of advice. He tells him to always carry a jar of Vaseline in his pocket and if he knows it is going to rain to smear the Vaseline all over the bodywork of the bike in order to prevent rust. The man drives his Harley off and is most pleased.

That night, the man and his girlfriend drive the Harley to her parents house where the man is to meet them for the first time.

The girlfriend tells the man that they have an odd rule in her house that the first person who speaks during dinner has to wash all the dishes.

They have a lovely meal and afterwards there is nothing but silence from all around the table. This silence goes on for about an hour and the man decides that he has to do something to make someone break the silence, so he grabs his girlfriend and kisses her passionately, still no one says a word.

He then decides that he’s going to have sex with her right there on the dining room table. Again no one says a word. Getting very frustrated at the continued silence he decides to have sex with the mother on the table, nobody says anything.

At this point the man can hear that it is starting to rain so he pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket to which the father shouts “ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I’LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!”

(Special Thanks to P. Burton, Redmond, WA)

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘Hello? ‘

‘Is your daddy home?’ ‘Yes, he’s out in the garden,’ whispered the small voice. ‘May I talk with him?’ The child whispered, ‘ No .’ So the boss asked, ‘Well, is your Mommy there?’ ‘Yes, she’s out in the garden too’ & The boss asked; ‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘No.’

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’ ‘Yes,’ whispered the child, ‘a policeman..’ Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’ ‘No, he’s busy,’ whispered the child. ‘Busy doing what?’ ‘Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.

‘ Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’ ‘ It’s a helicopter ‘ answered the whispering voice. ‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ‘ The search team just landed a helicopter ‘ ‘A search team?’ said the boss.

‘What are they searching for?’ Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…. ‘ME ‘

(Special Thanks to P. Burton, Redmond, WA)

The son of a 90-year-old man was worried about his father’s welfare because he lived alone and had a tendency to fall down a lot. After arguing for weeks with his father, he convinced his dad to move into a nursing home, albeit, grudgingly.

After about a week in the nursing home, a young nurse came into the old man’s room to give him a sponge bath. During the sponge bath, the old man got an erection, and the nurse proceeded to take care of the old man’s urgency. Elated, the old man told his son about the event with great enthusiasm and thanked his son profusely for recommending the nursing home, and said he never wanted to leave.

A few days later, the old man was meagerly shuffling down the hallway when he tripped and fell. A large male orderly happened along, and without saying a word, proceeded to rape the old man.

The old man called his son and told him what had happened and begged his son to get him out of the nursing home as quickly as possible. The son told his father that he understood, but tried to convince the father to stick it out in the nursing home, in light of the young nurse and the sponge bad. Really, how bad could it be?

The old man said, “Son, you don’t understand. I get an erection once, maybe twice a year. But I fall down all the time!”